The Lie of "Perfect"

Over the next several weeks I'll be doing a video series on my social media pages dedicated to letting go of perfectionism and I hope you will check those out on those platforms. This is such an important topic because so many people are living in shame under a flimsy and defective umbrella of perfectionism.

Perfectionism whispers “If I can just get it exactly right, I’ll finally feel worthy.”“If I can avoid failure, then maybe I’ll be safe from judgment.” “If I can be flawless, no one will see the parts of me I’m afraid to show.”

“If I can just be the very best at this, maybe that person that I need to love me and see me will finally love me and see me.”

All of those thoughts and those like it are an illusion—a constantly shifting, unreachable target. You don’t ever arrive. You just stay stuck, endlessly chasing approval while silently fearing you’ll never measure up. It becomes an act, a show, a performance – perhaps even one that leaves you criticizing yourself long after the curtain has closed.

And the more you chase perfection, the further you drift from authenticity, joy, and connection.

Shame is whispering in your ear

Perfectionism isn’t a personality trait. It’s a protective response. It shows up when shame is running the show and we use it as a mask. Does your inner dialogue cause you to believe that you're not good enough so the answer to that is to just never mess up? Is your shame convincing you that if someone really saw you that they would reject you so you learned to hide the messy parts of yourself? Does it whisper that your worth must be earned so therefore you have to work the hardest and produce the best of things to have value?

Control is directing the show

Perhaps your perfectionism is rooted more in control issues. It may look like control on the surface but deep down it's just a twister of anxiety. Is it so terrifying to give up control because you've been let down by others time and time again? Do you have to maintain the control so that you can be assured that it's perfect because you learned a long time ago that the only person you can rely on is you? That must be exhausting.

People-pleasing is lurking in the wings

Do you struggle with people-pleasing behaviors? Are you so scared to upset someone or let someone down that you will bend over backwards and do a triple back handspring to appear perfect? Because if they are unhappy with your flaws, or feel you have not performed to their standard that you have somehow failed as a person? Do you sometimes question if who you are at your core just isn't pleasing or palpable enough? Doesn't that leave you feeling so empty inside?

What it looks like when the show is over:

So you've put on the mask, picked up the umbrella that's hanging on by the most tattered of fabrics, you've heard the shame in your ear on a consistent loop, you've directed yourself and all things around you to put on the Greatest Show and you're crossing your fingers and toes that everyone is just so damned pleased with all of it. If that resonates, I want you to think about the last time that song and dance actually gave you lasting happiness and fulfillment. My guess is that once the adrenaline and dopamine wore off you were either hiding in your bed or planning the next Great Show.

Perfectionism isolates us from the very connection and self-acceptance we’re longing for. How are we supposed to build deep, genuine and meaningful relationships while we hide behind our masks of shame or we cower under our flimsy umbrellas of perfectionism? We're too worried about drowning and letting the real us out, all the while missing opportunities for vulnerability and emotional intimacy.

Where do we go from here?

The antidote to perfectionism isn’t sloppiness or settling. It's not giving up or deciding that it's not even worth trying. The alternative is self-compassion. It's meeting yourself with a bitter truth and extending grace to yourself in those moments. Here are some truths: You don't need to be perfect to be lovable. You are allowed to be human. You can do meaningful work without needing to be flawless. You don't have to prove your worth. There is tremendous beauty in the messy, broken and real. The people that truly matter are the ones that just want you to show up and offer your most genuine, real self.

What is that perfectionism, control and people-pleasing trying to protecting you from? Meet yourself with that awareness with curiosity, truth and grace instead of judgement and criticism. And that’s when healing begins.

Real is where connection lives. Real is where growth happens. Real is enough.

Sometimes it's messy and chaotic and unorganized. Sometimes it's accepting that everything you've presented and put out there is actually good and you just need to quiet the inner critic. Sometimes it's boundaries with the external, actual critics in your life. But every time you lean into these concepts you're actively making progress in letting go of perfectionism and people-pleasing.

So the next time you feel that pull to “get it just right,” ask yourself:“What am I afraid will happen if I don’t?” “What do I gain if I offer my most true self?”

Those questions are your way in. That’s where you start to trade shame for freedom.